I’ve come back from the grave. Barely. The past three days are a blur. I don’t even remember Friday.
The stomach flu is THE worst. I was in agony. Pain. Fever. Chills. Backache. I kept debating if I should go to the emergency room, but the thought of my co-pay kept me away. First I had (and still have, might I add) a bad chest cold/congestion. Then Thursday night after dinner I became sick. Super sick. I won’t go into details because it wasn’t pleasant. It wasn’t until 5:00am on Friday morning that I remembered I still had some Zofran from my morning sickness with Piper that I was able to sleep. I slept all Friday. I didn’t even check my phone. Saturday was a little better, I just felt faint the whole day because my body literally had nothing in it. Today is even better, although I’ve had a horrible night sleep. Chris took Piper over to his parent’s house to watch the Steelers game and I’m still in my pajamas. I haven’t held my babies in days. Oh god, I can’t even imagine what it would be like if either one of them caught this horrible bug. But I think it’s over. I had a grilled cheese from Burger Town last night and it’s stayed down…
Anyway, I have some news to share. I made a decision not to return to work. For those who don’t know me, I was the senior project coordinator for a large engineering company. I liked the people I worked with, it’s a great company, and very close to my house. After everything I’ve been through these past six months, the thought of having to go back to a cubicle and take care of other people’s problems seemed horrible to me. My strengths are getting things done, being efficient, and essentially being a “mother” toward others. Emotionally, I don’t think I can handle much of that. After I posted about Piper’s birth story and my possible postpartum depression, I received a lot of good feedback from friends and family. I called up Kaiser and made an appointment to see a therapist. I went in for my initial intake appointment where I had to answer a ton of questions (and cry in front the prettiest, well-dressed woman with gorgeous hair). She essentially evaluated me and created a plan of action for me. I had two more appointments set up for me: 1) To discuss medication with a provider; 2) To see a therapist for individual counseling. I’ve had the first appointment, and after answering more of the same questions (and crying in front of a very nice, older Japanese doctor), we decided for me to try Zoloft and a sleep aid. I’m exhausted at nighttime, but I can’t stay asleep 😦 I was supposed to go pick the prescriptions up on Friday, but as I mentioned before, I almost died.
I have my individual counseling appointment tomorrow, and I’m a tad nervous. I get anxious when I have to think about why I’m sad. Yesterday, while I lay comatose on the couch, I was watching “What to Expect While You’re Expecting” on E!, which I’ve seen before, but I had forgotten about a part in the movie. Elizabeth Banks’ character has to have a c-section and she loses a lot of blood on the operating table, becomes unresponsive, the husband has to be hurried out of the room, and we don’t know what’s going to happen. My experience was different, I was fine in the O.R., I didn’t black out until later that night, but seeing something so similar felt like a hot poker was sticking through my heart. I immediately started crying. Of course, Elizabeth Banks was fine, she was later shown sitting upright in her hospital bed, holding her baby (haha, oh Hollywood…). But I’m not fine. I need to find out why I’m so emotional. I’m not the same person I was a year ago. It’s strange because I can feel that something is wrong, I’m very aware of it. So then I start to think, if a crazy person knows they’re crazy, are they crazy? Don’t get me wrong, I have good days. Very good days. But there’s always that feeling right under the surface. We’ll see if my therapy sessions can help, along with medication. I’m not sure how much I will share from my therapy. I’m a pretty honest person and I want to share my story. I want to help others out there who are feeling like me, it’s just extremely personal, you know?
And we’ll see how long I can go without having an income. Thank goodness we’re still at my parent’s house. I think we can make it on just Chris’ salary for now. But if we ever want to move out then I will for sure need to go back to working. Maybe I can find something part time? But I am hopeful for the future. I have a plan. Short term. But it’s a plan! Happy New Year, everyone! 2017 is going to be the year of positive changes for me!